I was actually trying to take a break from writing, I cranked so much out in five days that I felt I should "regroup" my thoughts a bit, research my history and try to remember how October through now had gone. My memory is easily jogged by my calendar and most of the info is pretty basic, but one can’t predict inspiration... so I guess its go time.
I'd rather regret the things I've done than things I haven't done.
I longed for a deeper involvement with the outside world, so I left home after high school in search of bigger things, having that craving and the lack of diversity in Lycoming County as my motivation. I ended up in Vermont, my first stop was farther from civilization but closer to nature & music - two of my passions. They were rash reasons for departing my home, maybe even immature, but I was testing my boundaries and finding my freedom. I was tired of asking permission to do everything, and I finally didn’t have to.
I barely remember speaking with my family after I left, unless I needed something. The college freshman lifestyle coupled with moving so far away from home helped me forget where I came from, and who I came from - I was looking for more challenges, life had been real easy while I was in Montoursville but I was searching for something further. I knew I had different goals than most kids, my dreams were not to find a wife, start a family or make lots of money... I wanted to go everywhere, try anything & see everything.
I remember the early years when I felt unsubstantial, I would lie about accomplishments just to keep up with conversations about things like concerts, camping & girls. Eventually I made my own stories, and gave up on the “embellishments,” for lack of a better word.
Who's to blame for the man I became? I never had the same bonds with my family as my friends but I have seen the world. Did I decide a long time ago what was important to me? I think that started my junior year of high school, when college was turning into a reality. I was seeing a world full of strangers and I wanted to meet everybody! I think they're responsible for who I've become, family is not just blood. I found friends that were as passionate about new music and travel as I was, and we discovered together how to get it done.
I am thankful for my families love and support, they taught me the values that have helped me make the right choices on this road of life. Looking back I do regret the many times I caused problems, what I did to my loved ones from ages 14 through 20 was the reason I didn't want children. People warn me about the terrible twos, but I'm way more concerned about the teenage years after the way I tested my parents patience.
I know I'm stronger having experienced life this way, I didn't carry the same distractions as most when becoming an adult, I was living for me and hopefully will never look back at the life I wish I would have had.
Is love Hereditary, or is love Learned?
Do most people find their inspiration for love from their parents or guardians?
Is this another reason why I never considered children?
Is this why marriage always seemed like a path to heartbreak?
My sister seems to have figured it out early, maybe the teeny-bopper romance novels started her thinking about love. I think I got it from Hollywood at first, and then some painful personal research over the past two decades.
Now I'm actually enjoying sharing the responsibility of going through life with someone. I'm 35 and tired of doing everything myself, people have been pairing up since the dawn of time, how have I never seen this before? I'm actually lucky enough to have found love!
Divorce sucks.
For those of you following the story, I'm picking up where I left off.
So Halloween happens, Dot & I sign the lease on our new place, we have dinner one Sunday at my Mom's and things seem OK. I was just a little concerned about the email chain between my wife-to-be & my sister. It seemed to be endless and I think it's at that point that I started to feel like I was being excluded from my own wedding. I know most dudes would probably be fine with that, but I wasn't. My sister's vision is not my own, and Dorothy was taking her word like it was mine. Whatever, I brushed it off hoping I was just being paranoid.
I made another commute to Reno for training, it was this trip to Reno that brought something else into my vision, I received a call from my old friend Christina about someone leaving KNSD...
Yeah, no joke. One of the few dudes left after the big layoff was leaving by choice and although I was not interested in being back on the weekends I'm all about making money wherever I can. I wanted off unemployment and since a wedding was in the works I could not pass up an opportunity. I had a small dream that things might fall back into place the way they were, but after a little research I found out they had trained and promoted a guy from within that had been with NBC Universal longer than I had been. He truly deserved an opportunity to grow. I'm all about fair and it was. I was now just hoping to get my foot back in the door to hopefully be the next in line.
Anyway, when I came back from Nevada I "interviewed" for the part-time version of my old job. They wanted me to work the weekends, allowing the staff that remained since my layoff to have their weekends back to themselves. Right on, whatever, I needed money and although the pay wasn't as rewarding as it was before I was into it, it was familiar and after almost a dozen years in the biz I could pretty much do the job with my eyes closed.
At the same time I was also moving from my house on Brighton into our new residence just a mile or so away, on the Famosa Slough. Life was changing fast and I was doing my best to build Dorota & I a home with things like new furniture & a new bed. One day in the middle of this I babysat for my God-daughter, she was growing up so fast I embraced any opportunity they would give me to spend time with her outside of their normal routine. I love that little girl, and really want to help guide her through growing up.
So we had Thanksgiving Dinner at my Mom's, another festive event. I was put to work assembling a grill or a bed and dinner was great, I'm sure there was wedding talk, maybe this was the time I pronounced I didn't need a budget, we'd just do what we want. The family gasped and told me there was no way I could do it without a budget. Something didn't feel right, I felt ganged up on, maybe I was just being paranoid but I wasn't comfy. I wanted to be part of the planning, I wanted Dorothy to feel like a Princess and have everything she wanted...
At this point my recent spending for personal fulfillment were fresh memories, it was time to give back and with her help we can afford to do what we want. I am proud to say that today I still haven't looked at a budget. Her parents helped a lot, I sold my boat & bike, we used our tax returns and eventually I'm sure I'll take some money from my Dad. I found what WE wanted for an OK price, and although the big day hasn't happened yet I'm pretty proud of what we've created so far.
So we're all moved in but I never closed down the Brown House. Thanksgivings over, Zach had come down to finalize his moving plans and join the "end of an era" festivities. We had a RAGER, the DJ rocked till the wee hours, everyone signed the walls and we even pissed off the neighbors! (We had hoped for a visit from the police, but I guess in OB they don't come unless more than one household complains... I love this place.)
Overall a great party, I shoveled out the mess and eliminated most of my crap from the premises leaving the general stuff, thinking Damon would need most of it.
When I spoke with Nick he had changed his mind about something, Damon was no longer allowed to stay. So we had a very short amount of time to fully clean the place while Damon frantically looked for a home.
Nick's a dick and he handled the situation like a true asshole. He had always been a weirdo, but this time he was straight unreasonable. I'm sad about how Damon and I parted ways, but at the time I was more concerned about my new life. I just wanted to leave my reference and credit in good standing. I know that is selfish but I'm not living for just myself anymore. I found out not too long after that his luck turned around and San Diego was working out for him, I hope to reconnect after I return from the honeymoon.
I worked a few weekends for NBC and found another weekday opportunity. After a multiply delayed flight due to Sierra snow I was in Reno, Zach had bought me the ticket so I could help pack him up for his move to SD. I was making money every day now, Christmas didn't seem so scary all of a sudden.
So just like clockwork, as soon as my professional life starts coming back together, my personal life begins to suffer.
I was not paying attention to the planning, and Dorothy was upset that I wasn't ready to set a date. I was still trying to assemble my future plans, I hadn't found anything stable so making any financial commitments seemed premature. I went to my family and asked for their opinion, and as family they supported me, they gave me the strength to be honest with my feelings, and my fiancée.
So I let her know, and we started trying to figure out a compromise.
Over the holidays when I wasn't working we found some time to spend with my family, but everything seemed diminished, Dorothy and I weren't getting along that well and my family was not feeling the love... eventually Dot & I figured out our issues and got back on track, so much so that my family may have started to feel neglected, or we started neglecting my family.
A few days prior to New Years Day I found out I had altered my mom's and sisters original plans so we could have dinner together. I never said anything to Dot till we were going to a New Years Eve party. The next morning we decided that dinner would be a very uncomfortable experience and we should call it off. I figured it was gonna piss them off, I guess I had no idea how much. This is when my family stopped trusting us, including Jason & Dorothy was now a hassle that could leave them feeling let down.
I went dark to them at this point, mostly from embarrassment, but partly so I could put all my energy into turning my life around for the better. I didn't like being the implied charity case every time we went out, so I wanted to become a contributing member of society again. All that really mattered now was taking responsibility for the family I was creating.
We found a routine and it has worked so far; I work the weekends at NBC & weekdays for Hat Trick, in the evenings we have dinner together and on weekend mornings we plan our wedding. We researched the hell out of everything together and we make a good team. She's persistent enough to get the job done and I keep it all organized.
To be continued...
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